Nothing But Silence.

Or maybe that’s just a phase that will pass. And maybe all the thoughts and feelings are in the wrong place. Who knows.. And why should we believe what ourselves tell us to believe? Maybe we are laying to ourselves. Maybe we should stop thinking, stop thinking at all. And try to create silence in our heads. Like we are nothing but silence.

After 5 years

After 5 years of having to adapt to having arthritis, I realized that I can’t adapt.

The flare ups take their time and suck life and energy out of me each time.

My autoimmune condition has been affecting my health, fitness level, social life, focus and concentration quality and periods.

I’m really losing interest in things that used to interest me, I no longer enjoy traveling, nor reading or writing.

I also tried to progress at work and in my career, which I realized I can’t do. Being sick and in paid often is just erasing my will power and capacity to go on.

I used to like socializing, but now I look at socializing as pain in the ass, and even sometimes I think I’m terrorized by socializing.

I have slowly given up on my dreams one by one. And I think if I’m given another 10 years to live, I’m going to be this lifeless person who desires and wants nothing.

I can’t see that my health problem is getting better with medications. And I’m coming to conclude also that alternative ways of approaching autoimmune is a total waste of time, money, energy and hope.

Yes I still can’t accept the fact that my life has taken a nasty turn and that I will have to deal with my joints for the rest of my life.

I also have noticed that antidepressants don’t really fix depressions, and that they play a very minor role in fixing mental health. I even stopped seeing my doctor because what’s the point?

What’s the point also from seeing rheumatologists who like to put their patients on crazy medications that vary between immune suppressants and chemo therapy, disregarding side effects.

Wondering at this very moment how much longer do I have to live tormented and locked up in physical pain and discomfort.


لا تبح لهم بسرنا
ولا تشاركهم أحزاننا
لا تخرج عليهم ودموعك في عينيك
ولا تحدثهم وصوتك راجف كما ترتجف يديك

لا تخبرهم كيف تعذبنا
ولا تشاطرهم ويلاتنا وآهاتنا
لا تبتئس من حظك البائس
فهو طريقنا
لا تخبرهم
هذه حياتنا

لا ترهم جروحنا
ولا تجعلهم يتحسسوا دفء ذرفات دمائنا
التي جفت
وسال الخوف بدلا منها

لا تجعلهم يشفقوا
لاتدعهم يضحكوا
ولا تجبرهم أن يولوا هاربين
وكأننا نحن النحس
وكأنك أنت الشؤم
وكأنني أنا المرض
ومعا، كأننا نحن الموت
الأسود، المخنوق، القراس، الهاجس

لا تقل لهم كم هرولت بنا ساعات أجسادنا
إلى الهرم، إلى الأرق،
إلى آلاف الأميال من الزحف
نحو الأمل

لا تقل لهم عن قلبي عندما خفق
ولا تشعرهم به عندما صمت
ولا تسمعهم إياه عندما طغى عليه الصدى
ولا تلفتهم إليك وأنت تهذي في الظلام من الأسى

نحن لسنا لهم
نحن لسنا منهم
ولسنا مثلهم
سنمضي كأننا معهم
ونهرب منهم
تاركين لهم أجسادا،
خاوية من حياة كحياتهم
ترتدي لباسهم
وتشرب مائهم
لكنها تدرك مدارك لا حيلة بها لهم

امشي معي
يدك في يدي
في ذلك الإتجاه
أينما تبدأ السماء
اصعد معي
على درج المجد والعلياء
على درج الخلود
اخطو معي
في الأعالي
أينما تشع النجوم
إلى الأبد
وتسموا أرواحنا على غير مضد
أينما تبدأ الحياة
أينما لن نجد متسعا قط للألم



There is space in my heart

For a stranger I never met

I don’t know where

The heart has been empty

For years on

And I lie to you

And tell you I love you

And show you I care

And you believe me

Your ego grows

And you believe me

Your pride grows

And you believe me

Your arrogance grows

Because you believe me

You grow

But you don’t know

That space in my heart

Is for a stranger I never met

I don’t know where

And the space grows

Where was I?

It’s when’s like that thing that makes you.. No

It’s when it’s… you want to but no not like that… No

Because it’s unclear, you think you… No

You try to, but it’s not what you think you… No

When you get there but you find…

It’s so confused and you are so tired… No

Everything is like a mess in your head…

And all the things, the places and the people… no

I just can’t but… maybe that, maybe not…

You see me you think that I … No

You see me smiling and you think that I… No

It’s like eternity but you know it will stop, but you’re not sure where the thing started…

But you see that thing that you want, but you see that thing and you know you don’t…No

And they walk… Somewhere, away maybe… You don’t even remember how…

It’s that thing that is very simple, they say, simple they say… No

They say it’s easy, that thing, they claim they did it… They claim they have it… No

They claim a lot of things, you can see just the shadows of their souls in their eyes…

You know how it works, you do, you can read me, you can tell… No

It’s that moment when things go right, I mean things only go…

It’s like that promise you heard they keep… No, no one keeps a promise…

They told you things, that don’t exist, it’s so unclear, to me, where was I? I forgot to eat…

Have you touched it? Really? And you said you’ve seen it, right? Oh well… No

Yes, yes… I’ve had it long ago, you know I can’t remember when… Oh well… I can’t remember it… where was I? I just noticed, It’s 5 am and I can’t sleep…

You must not worry they say… They say it’s very simple… Easily obtained, they claimed… No

You cannot… I mean if you think I’m alright… Well I can still smile and you can see me happy you know… In my pictures…

Yeah I don’t know, who are these people? What they want? Have you met them before? No

How do they tell you they will be there, when they… Oh well we live only now and tomorrow might never exist…How do they promise? No

I tell you everyday how I feel, every fucking day because you ask me… You’ve seen it, in my eyes, you know I can’t lie…

Why do you not like the answer, I mean you asked me! No?

Anyway I’ve decided that I like the… Ummm… Where was I? How did we end up here?

You know? They taught me a lot of things they taught me… Like manners, like principles, like rights and wrongs… You too right? They taught you, you should be bright? No

No because they just were preaching, reciting, they didn’t follow what they taught you… Then suddenly you are wrong… Because you still stick to what they taught you… But you are to them wrong because who cares what they taught you?

It’s alright they say, you know why they say so? Because they have what you don’t… No

Because there are certain directions… No

And courageous people burn first…

But I’ve seen it late…

But they say it’s never too late… Hell no!

 It can be too late.. They lie when they say it’s never too late…

Anyway, where was I? I just realized I haven’t been paid since months on…

She said I shall leave if I want to be a… I’m not sure what she said… But I always wanted to go…

He explained to me what that thing was, I can’t recall what he said… No

And they told me how to use this… I did… It just didn’t work at all…

I’ve been told that after the uphill it goes downhill… Buddy, it’s been always uphill, I’m tired bro…

That’s way to go… No

I can feel something, it’s like fire, but not that kind that keeps you warm… No

That fire that makes you wanna put ice on your… yeah… I have no clue what was that thing and when I explained how… They said no… No

I’ve chased it… I still do…

It’s like mirage in the heat of the desert… And I’d still go… on… No?

I have my flaws… I know I do… I forgive and forget… But they don’t do…

Where was I? I forgot my phone in the public toilette… How are you?

They told me things about me, wrote me poems and… I mean… Wow is that your son? I’m happy for you…

Where was I? I can’t recall the name of the street… Was it floor 3 where you live? No

Just like that… How did he figure how to heal? What page was it? Where I stopped?

Look at the Sun rising… Oh I’m sorry it’s 7 pm and it’s setting… No

This place feels good, but wrong…

Where was I? Why he’s gone?

How old are you, they ask… I don’t know what to say the food is burned… It’s 2017 or? No

Because it’s …

See you later I’m tired, I wish you know…Sigh… I wish you know… Sigh… I wish I know…



Once upon a time there was a little girl, with dark big eyes and long eyelashes, she never feared monsters under her bed, and threatened them until they never showed up again, she had a wooden sword and so much power, and in her heart she had endless courageous faith.

Until she saw a door that was semi open and had no light, she was too curious to see what’s behind. And her courage made her step inside. The monster that was there swallowed her soul even before she noticed ,and till now she can’t get back to life …

To Stars & Glory

Did you laugh at me?
Was it funny?

Did you laugh at me behind my back,
Then,when I had to stumble and fall,
Then, When I fucked up overall?

Yes you did, I know you did…

Did you run around, telling people,
Even though it’s my sacred privacy?

Did you all laugh at me?
Was it funny?

Yes you did, I know you did…

Did you laugh at me when I showed you my wounds, my scars and my hot bleeding soul?
Did you tell people how I cried?
Did you tell them how broken I was?
Did you whisper in their ears that I’m losing my faith, I’m losing control?

Did you not push me down fiercely and helped me drawn,
Then, when I was doing everything I could to get back to life?
Did you not wish that I die?
Did you not feel that ticklish pleasure in your chest, when you saw me dying?
Did you not feel outrageous when you saw me trying?
Did you not lock me up in a dark hole?
Did you not get rid of the keys?
Did you not close the God damn door?

Yes you did, I know you did…

But you are an unaware, ignorant, selfish creature…
Can you even see further than the end of your own nose?

Did you know that I always get up after I fall?
Did you know that I lick my wounds till they heal, and my scars no longer hurt at all?
Did you know that things like you don’t bring me down, even when I have to crawl?
Did you know how much it hurts when you put them first, while they don’t put you at all?

No, you did not, you won’t, you never will, because you can’t,
And I won’t show you the path to stars and glory never at all…


You will die, you will die 

It will kill you every time 

It will suck life out of you

And throw you behind


You will die trying 

It will kill you every time 

It will suck life out of you

And step over you


But when it rains you rise 


You will die, you know you will

As life will bring us down 

As people will suck life out of us 

As they manipulate and we still believe their lies


But when it rains you rise 

And when it does you will realize 

It’s not us, it’s not them, it’s that thing that keeps us alive until we die 


Die as many times as you want to

Die as many times as you think you need to

But don’t die broken 

Don’t die with sorrow

Don’t die when they want you to

Die only when you think you’ve done it & seen it all 


But when it rains we rise,

We get up, we get up, yes we try


Been a while !

Just Me

Hey everyone,

I know it’s been a while since I last time blogged and made any contact with you!

I have a lot of things to share , really a lot of things! I would be back soon sharing life and experience with you, tell you more about BODYCOMBAT and BODYPUMP releases 🙂

Love and peace!